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schuttke
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Name: Michael
Country: United States
State: Wisconsin
Birthday: 10/20/1981
Gender: Male
Interests: Music, friends, writing, reading, martial arts, biking
Expertise: I'd like to think I'm amazing at rock-paper-scissors...I can impersonate dang near anyone to a t so i guess that makes me observant...I'm contemplative...I believe heavily in helping others as the best way to help yourself...I can talk for hours and hours about music, play for hours and hours, sing for hours and hours, and never get tired; love will do that to you :)
In general, I feel I'm an expert on being human...both the messed up side as well as the times where, occasionally, something really lovely, beautiful, and true comes out of us...I'm getting better at the latter but I have a long way to go
Message: message meEmail: email me
Member Since:
9/15/2004
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| Pretty much exactly how I feel right now...
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd meet somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you.
No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I don't want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)
What a wicked game to play, to make me feel this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to let me dream of you.
What a wicked thing to say, you never felt this way.
What a wicked thing to do, to make me dream of you and,
I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you.
The world was on fire and no one could save me but you.
It's strange what desire will make foolish people do.
I never dreamed that I'd love somebody like you.
And I never dreamed that I'd lose somebody like you,
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I want to fall in love (This world is only gonna break your heart)
With you (This world is only gonna break your heart)
No, I... (This world is only gonna break your heart)
(This world is only gonna break your heart)
Nobody loves no one. | | |
| I don't know if these are musings in the truest sense. As a muse is someone you have this draw to yet you know you shouldn't go deeper into but you both recognize it and keep it playful, I question if I ever have a true "musing" type of thought...
I need more of them though lol...less time reflecting, internalizing, and more time externalizing...getting out of my head and heart. I have been doing better at this but it's still a struggle.
The cathartic benefit of writing in a blog is so not what it once was. Before, I was willing to bleed very publically. Now, perhaps more so to protect other people, I do not do that. In case someone comes across this that knows me but doesn't know me well, I never want to come off as degrading of others and paint a picture of another that is only colored by my experiences. These people deserve more than my bias.
So, I am forced to be vague, esoteric and abstract here...all things I excel at yet all things I am trying to move away from. It's funny because, as a kid, I wrote in such a way as to tell the stories of characters. Now I tend to tell the story of themes of humanity; people are at best reflections of ideas...and it's a dangerous thing when ideas become more important than people (if not more immediate even too)...this is what years of reading "faith books" and almost never picking up fiction will do to a lad lol...but yeah, I am now trying to take what I've learned out exploring these mystical, celestial ideas and bring them down to earth, down to the touch and the rub between people...both in how I live and how I write.
i want to write from my experiences but not be violating...yet still truthful and honest.
It's not that I want validation. I know now that my thoughts and feelings are valid (as hard as it is for me to actually clearly articulate what I feel) but...I guess I want someone to share them with.
I wonder now if this is one of the primary powers of prayer. Is prayer simply the release valve for pent-up thoughts/feelings to the ultimate (maybe only) "safe" Person? Yet...the problem I've always had with God is the response time lol and the channels. I think, sometimes, I'm listening on a different frequency or staring at a clock, waiting to hear a voice, and seeming to see the clock not moving yet feeling the world around me changing...I don't deny He speaks. More and more, I'm "hearing" Him; through a lyric, a melody, the laughter of a child after they fall down, the sudden thankfulness of feeling warmth on my skin in the beginning stages of winter...Again though, the sound...
On July 28, 2009...I sat in church next to a girl who has a deep place in my heart. I remember when our hands brushed...and I wanted more of that and I knew it...She pulled away suddenly but it felt more like pulling away from the power of electricity than the repulsion of a non-attracting gravity. Maybe I'm wrong on that now, looking back on it...I remember though writing something on that sheet that was addressed to multiple sources; this girl but also God. I wrote "Let me in the sound."
There is a greater Voice out there I believe and the words spoken from this voice truly give life....Life...and I want that...I want to feel alive again. I want that to be deeper than a feeling though; deeper than a moment. I've never really lived for the moment and, in that, am realizing I need to be more connected to the moment perhaps to actually recognize God in the moment...and thus experience joy...the desire to be "in" the sound, be it God's thoughts, the heart and thoughts of one I love, is very, very strong in me.
Right now, as I type this, I am sitting in a Border's...Christmas music is on the air. Christmas music of the hymnal, religious variety has always pained me. Something about those melodies even, the mode they tend to move around, just does that for me but also the associations the music creates, the history it evokes. Songs are like smells for me in how they trigger memories. I associate the holidays with a lack of family, being "on the outside" and a deep, deep loneliness...I felt it last night at County Clare. Sarah, a girl I liked years ago (who is actually healthy and knows me well) sat there and there was a moment I recall looking around...I wanted to be with another girl at that moment, something my good friend who treated my heart well, knew...and, as I looked around, sitting there with so many friends, Sarah could see it in my eyes; I could tell she knew I was "somewhere else" again...and I don't want to do that anymore. I want to be present...I want to be available.
The loneliness I've always felt I think is somewhat inevitable...I'm a deep person and, as Glenn spoke about with me today, deep people tend to feel pain in a different way than others but also recognize the link between pain and joy...something in me knew that to be the truth too even though my wording above does not give due justice to my eloquent friend's very eloquent wording...This inevitability is making me realize a lonely reality; no one here is really, truly "safe". No one here will ever love me in the fullest capacity I want it.
I then want to say "Only God will" and I truly, truly do believe that...or at least I want to...yet I wonder if I recognize it. As always, it's not about whether or not God exists (for me at least) but whether or not I can even begin to see even a corner of what He sees when He looks at me, others, the world...all of that. The same question I had at 14, 15 or so...not "Do I really believe in God?" but more so if I believe enough in my ability to connect with Him.
Which all comes back to seeking to strive to please God...yet so much of my life has been built on finding love through performance. I am clearly my own worst critic...
Shit...I am way too damn serious lol...Maybe I need to just go sing karaoke tonight and watch football with the guys.
That would be more down to earth...yet I know once I step up to that microphone, I will think of her...and that will hurt. Maybe I can create from there, sing Buckley's "Lover You Should Have Come Over" or something...take the pain and try, despite my limits, to make it beautiful...but I just don't want this hurt anymore. I don't want this lonelienss...nor do I want this extremely scary thought of "is this all life will be for me?" and a sighful resignation to that.
There is so much beauty in life right now...it's all so poignant...the moments with my ailing father have been incredible. But yeah...
I want heaven to be more than a carrot on a string, dangling in front of me, type of thought...I want moments where I radiate a light that comes from another place to happen more often...I want moments that I am actually connected to but also channeling something, Someone, else into it...I really want to be less selfish and really love people better.
Signing Off,
Michael
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| I understand why draw bridges and moats exist now...
and I want to build one around me.
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| A lot going on...as always...and, as always, much going on in my head and heart.
I am realizing that I spend way too much time in my head and heart though. I've been trying to be a lot more "ground level" in my view of the world and, above all, in how I actually interact with the world around me.
I've been dancing on Tuesday nights...and I've been working out like crazy. Both feel good and have been more theraupeutic than therapy.
Regarding my deep intuition being both a blessing and a curse, this weekend I went on a men's retreat with my church. For most guys, it's difficult to reflect, get inside of themselves, and then articulate that. All of that, for me, is an average day in the life of Michael Schuttke. For me, to stretch myself, I need to get OUTSIDE of myself; my head, my heart and actually move...touch...create.
Hence me dancing...hence me doing Cross-Fit workouts...hence me trying to organize a service project for church...perhaps, I am realizing, that I stretch myself more by NOT REFLECTING so much on things that I have no control over and doing everything I can to focus on what I do have control over.
It is vital that ideas become action...((a reflection from "and then the Word became flesh and dwelt among us..." (John 1: 14-18))...Even God gets this...he sends Jesus to earth; the incarnation.
I guess me doing what I am doing of late is me trying to "take on flesh" in my own, less divine/Messianic way.
...although I clearly do have a messianic complex I am realizing...but, alas, that is another blog for another day...
Unless I decide it better to go run, lift weights, dance with 30 different women, or other things that "really" stretch me. | | |
| All I have is this space between
Gravity and time, pulling me forward
Into those eyes, that skin, that prodigal and golden soul
You are stuck in a moment, frozen in rewind
Stateless…we’re spinning around
We’re weightless
I believe love will come around
A higher ground
Blurred from the inside, you shut one eye
Yet you can still see me falling, falling under your tide
You see the truth behind my lies
You see me holding it all in, the words I’m grasping for
Turn me inside
Inside out
Stateless…we’re underground
We’re fateless…don’t know if you’ll come around
I believe love will come around
A higher ground
Hold you lightly
Hold you steady
Hold you closer
Are we ready?
Close your eyes
Enter gently
We’re children of gypsies
Different lands, different tribes
We’ve both climbed from the underground
We’re both searching, seeking a solid ground
Stateless…This sound inside
We’ll take this (all we have to give)
You’re a light that shines, in spite of the dark
Graves from the past, breaking open, a new start
You see the ghosts in the sunlight
You’re an angel in the moonlight
Burning me
Stateless….pulling me under
Weightless
Hold you lightly
Hold you steady
Hold you closer
Are we ready?
Close your eyes
Enter gently
Bring your weight on, down on me
Be the heavy hand, the mortal sand
Be the weight, heart, get down on me
Stateless
Weightless
You let me inside and in there so much more ground
To be found, let me in, inside your sound
Stateless (mmmmmmmmmmhmmmmm)
Weightless
Hold you lightly, not holding down
Stateless…won’t you come around
Weightless…let’s fall, deeper in
To be found | | |
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